Facebook Not Just a Nice Little Social Network

I have avoided creating a Facebook account for several years and for a variety of reasons. First, it seemed like a childish thing to do -- after all, I thought Facebook and My Space and all the other so-called social networks were really for the kids. Second, I knew it would be a huge embarrassment for my own kids if their father was on Facebook. They already believe that my primary mission in life is to cause them unbearable embarrassment among their friends and peers. I have always thought that was my main purpose for existence. Third, there are not enough minutes and hours in the day. I already have to feel guilty about never posting to this blog. Now, I would have to feel badly about neglecting my Facebook page and all those so-called Friends.

Well, this last week, my wife finally persuaded me that I should create a Facebook account -- so I did. The question now is how long will I be able to take it before I abandon this new venture -- primarily because I learned almost immediately that all of my concerns were seriously misplaced and misguided.

First, so much for feeling guilty because I don't have time to pay enough attention to my obligations as a member of the Facebook crowd. I quickly discovered that you don't have to make time for Facebook because it actually stalks you instead. I only have a few friends but I get an email from Facebook on average about every 20 minutes. I get an email if someone new wants to be my friend, or if an existing friend sends me a message or updates their profile or wins some idiotic prize in a more idiotic game or posts a new photo or becomes a fan of some obscure website or joins some cult. I even got a message a little while ago that one of my newly acquired friends is now "in a relationship". I have already had to figure out how to "hide" some of the postings from some of my friends (and family) because they either feel like the rest of the Facebook universe needs to know their every move and thought or because they spend all of their time playing games and winning prizes on Facebook and we all get an announcement if they enjoy even the slightest bit of success.

My fear that I would embarrass my kids was totally unfounded. My oldest son quickly responded to my friend request with what I thought was an enthusiastic confirmation. He has since ignored me completely. My daughter also was too polite to deny her dad's plea for friends. Her positive response came accompanied by a reference to a link to a website called Oh Crap, My Parents Joined Facebook (the link is myparentsjoinedfacebook.com). It comes complete with actual postings by other kids' parents that made me realize that I am a novice in the embarrassment profession. As you can see from her response, subtlety has never been one of my daughter's virtues (or vices if you prefer). Nevertheless, I have already succeeded in having several of my postings deleted by my daughter because they crossed that line (whatever it is). Modern technology has given her the ability to "disappear" dear old dad and blame it on a cyber glitch or something else I am not supposed to understand. I have not even extended an invitation to befriend my youngest son because he has either successfully and completely hidden himself from me on Facebook or perhaps abandoned it entirely when he learned that I was joining up. In any event, I know several "mutual friends" recommended me to him and he has managed to avoid all overtures.

Lastly, I found out immediately that Facebook is not just for kids. First, I had not been on my brand new profile page for more than a few minutes before Facebook had invaded my email address book and ferreted out several hundred names of individuals who might want to be my friends or who I might want to be friends with -- thank God I didn't click my mouse or some 800 of my business contacts would have received an email asking them to be my friend. The weight of the rejection alone would have been overwhelming. Next, my home page (Facebook actually refers to it as a news feed page) was coughing up names and photos of complete strangers who happened to attend my high school (most of them sometime during the almost 45 years since I last set foot in it) or my alma mater university (which only had about 40,000 to 50,000 students enrolled when I graduated in 1969). Last, I discovered today that Facebook is not just some nice little social network where you can make new friends or reconnect with old ones. According to the news this afternoon, the United States Secret Service is investigating to determine the source of a poll posted on Facebook which was intended to determine whether its members are in favor of or against (or merely ambivalent or undecided about) assassinating President Obama. I don't think that was one of the game applications that comes with a Facebook membership. The poll was apparently discovered and removed before the actual results could be determined -- I don't want to know anyway.

At the very least, I thought Facebook would be a place in cyber space to escape the crazies and whackos and the meanness of the tea parties and town hall meetings -- a place to exchange stories about the kids and photos of the puppies. Boy, was I wrong! I knew there were reasons I was reluctant to join Facebook. I was just wrong about what those reasons were.